Tuesday, October 19, 2010

AWESOME! - The WWF of the 80s

So. You think you're a man? I'm not so sure you're being accurate with me. To be honest, if you were born in the 90's, then I'm almost positive that you are anything but a real man. Maybe a guy... Or a dude... But in no way are you a MAN. Why? You think you can handle the awesomeness I'm about to unleash on you?? Very well... You're not a man because REAL MEN watched the World Wrestling Federation in the 80's! Oh, you wanna call it the WWE? THAT FURTHER PROVES YOUR LACK OF MANHOOD!

You wanna know why your WWE is so puny and wimpy? Because you surrendered your original title of WWF to the "World Wide Fund for Nature"... You bent over and took a spanking from a nature organization! Wrestlers were once the epitome of manliness, steroid-induced glistening muscles and literally NO FEAR of their flamboyant appearance... It takes a real man to dress like an electric drag queen and beat another man to a pulp. You didn't mess with those guys, regardless of how ridiculous they looked. But in the end, men like Stone Cold Steve Austin and HHH and their "Bad Boy" image cowered in fear at the mighty heal of... A Nature organization... You know what 80's Hulk Hogan and Macho Man Randy Savage would have done to that company? They'd punch their panda's in the face and body slam a puppy! That's some REAL man stuff for ya!

But in all seriousness... The WWF was the golden age of childhood for me and my brothers. It used to be about gimmicks, flashy costumes, entertainment and at the end of the day, family fun. It was the kind of thing you could watch with your dad, or the kind of thing you wouldn't have to mute immediately when your mom walked in the room... It was the kind of violence that everyone could encourage! Nowadays it's a blight on entertainment. What was once meant for a classier audience has now been reduced to White Trash Weekly. Foul language, extreme sexuality, even sacrilege (i.e. Stone Cold's 3:16 speech). And where's the uniqueness in characters? It once played out like a comic book, interesting stage names, costumes, finishing moves, good guys helping the good guys, bad guys always cheating... The WWE is nothing more than a bunch of guys in black going by their real names and cursing at each other. I just don't get it.

Now, granted, I understand that to show something like the 80's WWF would be mocked repeatedly were it presented to a younger audience, but that's kind of what made it awesome... It would become nostalgic, a real landmark in entertainment history. I doubt you'll get anything as memorable out of a couple guys in black speedos flipping each other off and ranting about how many women they've conquered. We'll probably never again remember names as unique as Koko B. Ware, nor will we remember a costume as flamboyantly warlike as the Ultimate Warrior. Historical moments like when Hogan body slammed Andre the Giant will probably never capture America again... It's actually kind of sad to see a franchise like the WWF sink to the standards of the WWE.

But I've whined enough. If you really want to kick back and lose your mind in nostalgia for a few hours, go out and get an old School WWF DVD.

~ Mark

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