Friday, April 27, 2012

Baby Carrier

Is it weird that whenever I hear the word "Baby Carrier" I think of this?

Fire baby torpedo!
~ Mark

Hygiene in not so hygienic places

The scenario: Midday, let's say 2 o'clock. This is a time where most people at the workplace are sweating off that meal they just finished eating a little over an hour ago. In my case, it was a ham and cheese sandwich with honey mustard and some other food-related addition complete with a side of carrots. Yum, yum. You'd assume a meal like this would be pleasant on the stomach and I may just make it to 5 o'clock without needing to subject my tender buttocks to the bacterial ghetto that is a public toilet seat. There was nothing overwhelmingly unhealthy about that sandwich and in retrospect, it really wasn't of filling proportions. Sadly, what I have come to realize, however, is that vegetables have the exact same affect as greasy food... Hence, it's now 2 o'clock and I'm in the restroom.

2 o'clock in a public bathroom is turmoil. There's someone walking in every few seconds, looking to see if there's a stall available, grunting and sighing when there isn't which makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong for letting my body do what it's got to do! That crap be stressful! Pun intended.

Regardless, I'm in the bathroom, doing my thing, (you know what that thing is) and in walks this tool. The tool that brings a toothbrush to work. Now I know what you're thinking, "Hey! I bring a toothbrush to work! Sometimes I eat stinky food and I need to brush!" Well then stop eating stinky food at work! I honestly watch people order raw red onions on their food and absolutely cannot fathom what is going through their heads. "Mmm, I can't wait to sink my teeth into that stinky, pungent thing that makes grown men cry at a mere whiff of its wretched byproduct." Well, maybe they're just thinking, "I like onions", but regardless, if you know you're going to be in a cubicle in close proximity to the noses of other cubicle-packed human beings, then your first thought upon making your dining selection should be NOT to order something stinky!

So tool-bag starts brushing his teeth. I'm sitting in the stall holding my bowels at bay because I know it's gonna be a doozy and I'd rather not let it rip while some idiot is standing 5 feet away from me making himself dentally pretty for his crappy dead-end job. It's also not just a matter of nerves. All I can think about is how every time I make a dookey, there's little microscopic poo particles flying in every direction, getting on everything, getting in everything and completely nestling inside the bristles of whatshisface's toothbrush and he's now brushing his teeth with my stool.

Here's my neurosis at play now... I'm not concerned about him brushing his teeth with my poo particles, I personally wouldn't mind making him brush his teeth with my crap for the way I'm being inconvenienced at what should be a very convenient situation. No, I'm more concerned that while this schmuck is brushing his teeth, he's going to be thinking, "Ew, that guy is soiling my toothbrush! What's he thinking taking a dump in a public restroom where people are trying to brush their teeth!" ... And now I feel like crap. So not only is this guy making me feel uncomfortable, now he's making me feel guilty. All because he had to have a dang onion sandwich!

I guess what I'm trying to say is stop eating onions at work and don't brush your teeth in a place meant for public excretion.

~ Mark

Basic Human Interaction

I am a master of awkward pauses. You wouldn't know it from reading this because my sentences go on and on until I decide it's time to end my post. Truth is, I've paused to think about what I'm going to write about 5 times since beginning this paragraph and I'm still not 100% positive my computer didn't feel uncomfortable being around me while the ol' brain gears were turning. That's why us non-talkative people do so well in chat rooms and AIM, or whatever outdated software you're using to communicate digitally with other folk. We get time to think about our next sentence rather than being put on the spot and being forced to speak words which have to go together to form a complete thought which isn't perverted, off-topic or intangible. In real life, I just remain in damage control mode. Probably why I was never good at picking up women. Here's how I imagine the whole process going:

"Hey, I'm Mark, what's your name?"

"Hi, I'm Generic Boring Bar Girl."

"Nice to meet you. So..."


I'm going to stop myself there for a minute before it gets worse. In my mind, there's a set number of things to ask from this point. None of them are justifiable in my mind. Why? Because I over-think non-existent undertones way more than I should. I can ask something like, "Do you live around here?" but really what I think she's thinking that means is, "Hey, can I find your place on Google Maps and stalk you?". It's my experience that stalking typically makes for bad conversations, so on to the next question.

The next thing I could ask is, "What do you do for a living?". Seems like an innocent enough question, except what if she just lost her job? It would make sense seeing as she's getting tanked on a Tuesday evening and this is the cheapest bar in town. That alone would give her more reason to think I'm a stalker/rapist because I'm sitting around a cheap bar on a Tuesday evening trying to talk to drunk, depressed women. Maybe something like, "What are you drinking?"... I wouldn't ask this because I personally don't care what she's drinking and if I did, then that would come off as rapey too because maybe I just want to know how fast this Rufy will dissolve in her Appletini or whatevertheheck girl-drink she's downing way too fast.

You know what, picking up women at a bar is douchey anyway. Plus, she's a horrible conversationalist and should know better than to be at a cheap bar on a Tuesday night getting drunk around a bunch of guys that hang out at joints like that. Thank God I'm married and never had to resort to this kind of nonsense.

Where was I... Conversations. Yes. If you noticed the last thing I said in that original back and forth was "So...". The word "So" is a death sentence in any conversation if it isn't IMMEDIATELY followed by something interesting. If you've used this word without proper preparation, then you might as well just walk away in shame, there is no recovering. Just as a bonus, you want to know what the web equivalent to "So" is? You're not going to believe it... "LoL". You know why it's a webversation death wish? Because it means you literally have NOTHING to contribute to the other person's funny story.

EXAMPLE: In real life, Person A provides an amusing verbal anecdote, Person B laughs. As the laughter between A and B begins to subside, person B says something like, "Oh man..." then forces a single laugh, then proceeds to say "So..." LoL is NO different than this. It will end your text message convos, it will end your email chains and it will end your career if you say it out loud to your boss.

Really, there's no need to even use LoL, you're chatting online, you have literally ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD to write proper responses, why waste it? In addition, you're now in a situation where neither person knows who should type next. Is that LoL going to be followed up with something? Am I supposed to respond to that LoL? Should I just walk away from this little chit-chat? Odds are you should just walk away, because somebody that awkward in the digital world is BOUND to be just as awkward in real life. Or maybe they just suck at chatting. Oh, and I know you're not really laughing out loud. Quit lyin'!

Back to real life. There really isn't any appropriate way to get out of a conversation once it's gone stale. You'd think that pauses are a perfect opportunity to say, "Well, I got things to... do... somewhere" and walk off. In my mind that's even worse. You don't want to end it on an awkward note. Put yourself in their shoes: Why the heck would you ever want to talk to that person again? It was weird. You ran out of things to talk about the last time, so what occurrence in your life was so mind-boggling and intriguing that the next time you speak with that person you're going to have endless topics to converse about? You know what's really going to happen? You're going to start out awkwardly saying hello, then you're going to start to tell a story and they'll interrupt you and say, "Yeah, yeah, you mentioned that last time". Then you're going to be in an even worse situation because now you don't know whether to finish that story in greater detail to make it seem like you're not just forgetful or repetitive, or you're going to have to think of something new to talk about that isn't so far off topic that you just sound like a random fact generator. You see the mess you got yourself into?!

Back to the question of what to do in awkward pauses. My conclusion is that you should just avoid talking to people you know you'll never have anything worthwhile to talk about with. How do you avoid them? Easy. If you're about to approach them in passing, sing their name and walk on about your business. I promise you, this will work. They'll be flattered that you took the time to A.) Remember their name and B.) deem their name important enough to put it to music inside your head. In addition, they'll be confused about what just happened and won't have time to stop you to talk. You'll be long gone by the time they come to.
I could keep rambling about this stuff all day. And technically I have. I started writing this at 3 in the afternoon. It is now 8:33.  Lots and lots of awkward pauses there

So... Yeah.
~ Mark

Monday, April 23, 2012

Baby Demons Need Love Too

Okay, so blogger has a new layout now and I'm too confused to write much...

 So there's that,
~ Mark

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Sly Stallone Template

So ever since I made The Many Faces of Arnold, I've been wanting to move on to another action icon, Sylvester Stallone. Boo yah. I've gotten a good chunk of the preliminary work finished up, the most important being the template... Here's Sly side by side with the Arnold template.
The other pre-production material included going through Sylvester's filmography so I can map out each of his wardrobes... Here's the problem that I've run into however: Too many of his roles look exactly the same, it's either a suit or a leather jacket. Don't believe me? Look, here's leather:

And here's the suits:

These are ALL COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MOVIES! I think one of those even had a suit with a leather jacket... Perfect Combo! So I guess we'll just have to see how this plays out... Should be fun.

~ Mark

Monday, April 16, 2012

Beard Dandruff

This is my cross to bear... Bare? Burr?

~ Mark

Sunday, April 15, 2012

I are hero

Yeah, I don't know. He are hero.

Dat's who I are,
~ Mark

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Turnip The Music

Thanks to my wife for giving me this idea...

Well, do it already!
~ Mark

Monday, April 9, 2012

Updated Many Faces of Arnold

I added The Governator to Arnold's many roles.

~ Mark

Easter Eggs!

So yesterday was Easter, as you all know, and with Easter comes Easter Eggs! I'm 28 years old, but painting eggs on Easter will never become childish to me... Especially when you can do this:

In case you're wondering, that egg cracked and I had to improvise. This next one didn't come out that great, but I still love it. It was my sad attempt at a Joker egg... Not sure why I made the skin green, but to anyone that has a problem with that, I'll just say... "Why so serious?":

My friend said this looked more like Salad Fingers than the Joker, but I was EGGstatic about it either way (Badoom Psh!).

I should have done more, but I got distracted with all the candy and good food my wife cooked, so I only made two.

Happy Belated Easter!
~ Mark

Friday, April 6, 2012


Got to thinking about the ultimate cross-over... This would have to be it. Don't tell me you wouldn't shell out MAD money to see this:

One shall stand, one shall fa-GHUH!
~ Mark