Wednesday, December 1, 2010

AWESOME!: Santa Claus

Tis' the season to be jolly... And what's jollier than a flamboyant fat man flying through the sky dropping presents on unsuspecting children! You wanna know what awesome is, I'll tell you about the living, breathing embodiment of awesome... a magical being spawned from the good deeds and fictional beliefs of good boys and girls all around the world (but mainly America)... I'm of course talking about Jolly Old Saint Nick, the King of Kringles... Santa Claus!! Is he real? Oh come now. Of course he is!! Why has no one seen him? Well, according to C.S. Lewis, the man lives in Narnia... My guess as to why he lives there has something to do with the fact the US outlawed him from our dimension because he kept giving kids crossbows and swords as presents... So we get a much more toned down version of Santa than we used to back in medieval times. Just another reason why Santa is AWESOME!
Though if you ask me, I think the myth about reindeer and brightly colored robes is a little outdated, we'd see that coming from a mile away... I'm fairly certain Santa has had to up his game in more recent years. Any man who gave children crossbows in the 1950's has definitely caught up with the times. My theory is the reason we don't see Santa ever is because he's gone all covert ops; I'm talking 9 black ops helicopters, night vision goggles, the whole shebang... And don't mess with his elves, each one is highly trained to kill all the bad little boys and girls... No more coal. You just die.
Santa's so awesome it makes my head want to explode! Anybody who thinks their parents are buying their gifts every year at Christmas is a fool. They're in on it... And when you have kids, you'll be in on it too. Don't be surprised when one of Santa's little helpers shows up in your room at 3 in the morning with an offer. If you're not in, your kids get NOTHING. Just be glad this isn't another country though... Why do you think the US is in so much debt? We practically pay to keep his toyshop running just to keep our families alive... I hear over in France he straight up burns your house down if you don't accept.
That is why Santa is Awesome... He'll kill to keep kids happy. You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I'm telling you why... Santa's gonna shiv you!
~ Mark

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