Friday, April 27, 2012

Hygiene in not so hygienic places

The scenario: Midday, let's say 2 o'clock. This is a time where most people at the workplace are sweating off that meal they just finished eating a little over an hour ago. In my case, it was a ham and cheese sandwich with honey mustard and some other food-related addition complete with a side of carrots. Yum, yum. You'd assume a meal like this would be pleasant on the stomach and I may just make it to 5 o'clock without needing to subject my tender buttocks to the bacterial ghetto that is a public toilet seat. There was nothing overwhelmingly unhealthy about that sandwich and in retrospect, it really wasn't of filling proportions. Sadly, what I have come to realize, however, is that vegetables have the exact same affect as greasy food... Hence, it's now 2 o'clock and I'm in the restroom.

2 o'clock in a public bathroom is turmoil. There's someone walking in every few seconds, looking to see if there's a stall available, grunting and sighing when there isn't which makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong for letting my body do what it's got to do! That crap be stressful! Pun intended.

Regardless, I'm in the bathroom, doing my thing, (you know what that thing is) and in walks this tool. The tool that brings a toothbrush to work. Now I know what you're thinking, "Hey! I bring a toothbrush to work! Sometimes I eat stinky food and I need to brush!" Well then stop eating stinky food at work! I honestly watch people order raw red onions on their food and absolutely cannot fathom what is going through their heads. "Mmm, I can't wait to sink my teeth into that stinky, pungent thing that makes grown men cry at a mere whiff of its wretched byproduct." Well, maybe they're just thinking, "I like onions", but regardless, if you know you're going to be in a cubicle in close proximity to the noses of other cubicle-packed human beings, then your first thought upon making your dining selection should be NOT to order something stinky!

So tool-bag starts brushing his teeth. I'm sitting in the stall holding my bowels at bay because I know it's gonna be a doozy and I'd rather not let it rip while some idiot is standing 5 feet away from me making himself dentally pretty for his crappy dead-end job. It's also not just a matter of nerves. All I can think about is how every time I make a dookey, there's little microscopic poo particles flying in every direction, getting on everything, getting in everything and completely nestling inside the bristles of whatshisface's toothbrush and he's now brushing his teeth with my stool.

Here's my neurosis at play now... I'm not concerned about him brushing his teeth with my poo particles, I personally wouldn't mind making him brush his teeth with my crap for the way I'm being inconvenienced at what should be a very convenient situation. No, I'm more concerned that while this schmuck is brushing his teeth, he's going to be thinking, "Ew, that guy is soiling my toothbrush! What's he thinking taking a dump in a public restroom where people are trying to brush their teeth!" ... And now I feel like crap. So not only is this guy making me feel uncomfortable, now he's making me feel guilty. All because he had to have a dang onion sandwich!

I guess what I'm trying to say is stop eating onions at work and don't brush your teeth in a place meant for public excretion.

~ Mark

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