Hamster n' Doll

Yeah, there's no logic behind this drawing... I was doodling while watching TV with the Misses. Nuff' said y'all.

Eek!
~ Mark

PG-MEN - Harlot

If there's anything more inappropriate than an X-Man, it's an X-Woman! Skimpy outfits, supermodel figures, sexual independence... And did I mention those dang skimpy outfits?? If I could think of one specific X-Woman that exists as the living embodiment of LUST and CONSEQUENCE, it's the infamous Rogue!

There's nothing terribly wrong with her mutant power... As a matter of fact, I'm going to allow this particular hero to keep her power come re-imagination time. What is truly deviant about this character is the way she flaunts that untouchable body of hers for all the young boys (and adult boys) to ogle after! Her mutant power is the ability to drain the life-force of anybody she comes into skin-on-skin contact with... Which I must say, is a devastating display of superpower. So what does she do? Naturally she wears skin tight outfits and CLEARLY spends hours in the morning making herself a knockout amongst other whorishly dressed women!

Now you tell me... If you had the ability to drain people's life simply by touching them, would you allow yourself to be the object of all living things' desire? An entire world full of people just ACHING to touch you only to come to a drastic realization that you're about to die because you couldn't control your urges... And she allows this to happen! Clearly she is not taking the proper precautions to prevent such a horrible tragedy... And for that, we must create a child-friendly PG-Man... er, woman.

For starters, I would compare this character to a "street walker"... Unclean and uncaring for the health and safety of others... She's like the "(name I shall not use) of Babylon", yet we hail her has a hero! Well that comes to a stop this day! No more skimpy outfits, no more tights... Heck, normal cloths aren't even enough to hold the tides of raging hormones and pre-pubescent lusts back. No, she clearly needs to go through some major extremes to keep this bio-hazard contained... Which is why we're decking her out in the finest of winter clothing. Snow-pants, scarves, heavier gloves, earmuffs... No sir, there will not be ONE inch of skin showing, nor will there be any chance of her well-carved body figure being portrayed in silhouettes. Sunglasses shall also be applied to keep her eyes (the gateway to the soul, which is clearly corrupted) to prevent those baby blues from teasing another man.

What's that? She's still too sexy? Well fine. It's time for extreme measures! If that puffy outfit isn't going to be enough, than we're just going to flat out put a sign on her... "FILTHY". Oh yeah, nobody's going near her now. Nobody decent at least... Which is who the PG-Men cater to... The pure of heart! "But Mark, why would any villain go near her now and be defeated?"... Well that's a good question. My answer to this is simple... What villain DOESN'T run from the good guy? Huh?

Now as for that name. ROGUE. The dictionary defines it as such: An unprincipled, deceitful, and unreliable person; a scoundrel or rascal. Oh, that sums her up alright... Deceitful temptress that she is. But then, most people associate the name Rogue with something cool, akin to a renegade or a loner. I, however, refuse to allow a generation of children to grow up overlooking obvious seduction because a name sounded cool... She will be named exactly what she is... HARLOT. Now we all know what we're getting! The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem... I think our new hero is the perfect example of facing your imperfections and bettering one's self.

Let the cleansing begin!
~ Mark

Son'Uva: Boneyard Finisher

I struggled with an idea for devastating your opponent using the elements from the "Boneyard"... Again, my one-track mind thought, "impaled on bones!"... But as I've said before, I've done that a lot already. So I went back to ye olde drawing board and came up with something which took a lot more time than I was planning on putting into this... So you better love it! I slave over an overheated MacBook all day long for you people!

Criss Cross'll make ya, CLICK CLICK:

Yeah, he got boned,
~ Mark


Sonuva by Mark Marianelli is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

PG-MEN - Evening-Stroller

Ay Dios Mio! Where do I begin with this abomination... Talk about a difficult task. I attempt to make the comic book world a better place for the innocent children of the world and I am forced to clean up the act of a teleporting demon named Nightcrawler!

Very well... Let us begin with the obvious. His appearance. Sadly one cannot change the physical appearance of another and maintain a non-bigotry example while exclaiming "it offends me!" through the streets... However I can't exactly allow a blue demon to parade around the pages of a children's comic book saving the day and inspiring love for such a creature... Sure, the comics portray Nightcrawler as a man of Christian faith, but in my eyes all I see is hypocrisy and deception! So let's just avoid the controversy and put a paper bag over his head, shall we? And just for promotion's sake, we'll commission Shaw's to provide the bag! Free advertising! Now he's helping the community AND covering up his demonic nature. Though there is that tail of his... vile hell-spawn appendage that it is, I'm sure it's a useful commodity for fighting crime... Let's just chop the end of it off so he looks more like a blue monkey with a bag on his head. Now he shouldn't be so scary.

I'm also iffy about that mutant power of his... Teleportation. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't traveling through the deepest pits of Hell to get to his final destination... But that's what he does and that's how he does it... So he doesn't get to teleport anymore. But fear not! He can still get to where he needs to go in the quickest of fashions... Via cab! That's right, our little blue friend now has the ability to hail a cab no matter where he is! Free of charge and always available! ... And we all know that cab driver will get you where you need to go quickly... No matter how many pedestrians he has to mow over (but we won't show that part for PG purposes). Plus I imagine he can always just tell his cab driver "To the villain's secret lair!" and that'll save time on all the detective work, am I right? Yeah. I'm pretty right.

Last but not least is that terrifying name of his. Nightcrawler. The mere mention of it makes me feel like I'm being molested by a centipede while sleep. Truth is, that name never really made much sense for a teleporting demon in the first place. He's not really crawling anywhere, he's teleporting! I figure the least we can do is tone down the intensity of the falsehood to this much more pleasant sounding name... Evening-Stroller! Beware, criminals, he's going to stroll right up and ruin your evening!

Eh, I work with what I've got,
~ Mark

PG-MEN - HUG

Who doesn't love the French! Well, besides America I'd have to say villains world-wide... Which is why even the slippery frogs of the Cajun swamps need a protector... And that protector is the poker-faced sweet-talker known as Gambit.

Now you might ask, "Hey, what's not kid-friendly about Gambit? He's so dag-gone charming!"... Well to this I say, what IS appropriate about this card-wielding brawler?? Let's begin with his roots, shall we? Gambit was a thief, a crook, a liar... And if there's anything politics has taught me it's that you ARE what you WERE. Sure, we may forgive him in our hearts, but in our minds, we know exactly what kind of a man Gambit is. He's a deceiver! Why his name alone stands for a chess move early in the game in which the player sacrifices minor pieces in order to obtain an advantageous position! I.e. This is a man who will sacrifice the little people to get ahead! Which is why the FIRST thing we're going to do with this wretched little Frenchie is change that horrible name! Why associate him with deceit when you can associate him with trust? Children need to trust SOMEONE in the world, so rather than given them a symbol of lies, let's give them a symbol of affection... Gambit shall now be known as "HUG".

Speaking of hugs, there's enough aggression out there aimed at our European brothers of feminine love, so why make their champion a man who can truly embody the good nature of the French... They need a man who leads by action, not cheesy accents and card talk... You know what? Let's just eliminate words from the equation altogether and give the French a clean slate. Let's show off the French in a positive light, by making "HUG" a true symbol of France... He is now a MIME! Now, consider the compromise I've made here on your behalf, America... Gambit also had the unique ability to "charm" anyone he spoke to, he was trustworthy (all the better to betray you with, my dear)... Well now he doesn't need something as atheistic as "charm" or "luck", he can use mere gestures to make you think he's behind a glass wall, or busy pulling on some rope. Who's going to shoot at a man who is CLEARLY behind an invisible bullet-proof wall??

Oh, come now, I haven't forgotten Gambit's REAL power. He has the ability to fill any object with kinetic energy, making whatever he touches an explosive weapon of destruction... CLEARLY a PG-MAN is not prone to violence... Nor would he use such objects as "Playing Cards"... Playing cards are an analogy for all things sinful! Poker games, a game of lies, cigars, drinking and gambling. What kind of hero gives children the impression these things are acceptable?? So away with those playing cards! You get UNO. A game the WHOLE family can enjoy. They're colorful cards as well, so they're bound to tantalize our youth into paying attention to this wholesome individual. And to go along with the "mime" theme... He doesn't ACTUALLY charge them with energy, he just makes you THINK he's doing so. He's so dang clever, that HUG!

So let us all support our European defender of justice and truly... VIVE LA FRANCE!

Maercie boque!
~ Mark

Spiders...

With my parents moving to the grand state of Texas, there's just one thing I can't get out of my head...

Shhh,
~ Mark

PG-MEN - Eye-Boogies

One cannot completely re-imagine the world's most famous group of superheroes without first analyzing their leader... No, not Professor X. I mean the team leader, the one who rides with his troops into battle and sets a true example... The ever brown-nosing CYCLOPS.

Well, let me tell you, there are ALL kinds of issues going on with the leadership in this group. Let's begin, shall we? And I'm just going to jump into this issue without a parachute and without sugar-coating it... Why does the leader ALWAYS have to be white! And not like, "Oh, I'm Italian and my skin is olive but just light enough to get me the respect my dad says I deserve!", no, no, no, I mean white white. Anglo-Saxon, SPF 500, Elmer's Glue, pasty, Water Polo-playing white! Yeah, we have a multi-cultural lineup of heroes, everything from Thunderbird (dead, might I add) to Luke Cage (but really, does anyone read his comics? He's not even an X-Man), but none of them LEAD. Not one! So you know what? Cyclops is Black now. Racism is not kid-friendly.

And speaking of Cyclops, his powers are LETHAL. Lasers? The comics portray his eye-blast as being more like a punch to the face, which I'm sorry, is terribly inaccurate. If I shot you with a laser beam, you wouldn't get knocked back, you'd have a hole in your stomach. You'd catch a brief glimpse of your seared intestines dangling out of the cavity in your belly just before the lights go black and you die in a pile of your own ash. So I think it's safe to say lasers are CLEARLY out of the question. I mean, your kids are going to grow up in the future when lasers are more commonly used (along with flying cars and hover boards) and they're going to put their hands in it because, "Hey, Cyclops's EYES can handle laser beams, why not my fingers?", and them BAM! No more fingers! Then your kids have to go to special schools and they're going to THINK that's going to be awesome because the X-Men attend a "School for the Gifted" and they're going to hop on that short bus and find out all it is is a bunch of handicapped kids with no superpowers and they're going to be so upset and so depressed by it that they're ultimately just going to take a laser to their head and end it all!

So our modified, kid-friendly PG-MEN are going to have a leader who shoots the BEST THING IN THE WORLD out of his eyes... JELL-O! What, that's not enough to put fear into the enemy? Fine. It'll be LIME JELL-O. Blech. I'd go with lemon, but then we're getting into the PG-13 territory... Lemon flavored anything is nasty.

Now the only thing that's needing some improvement is the name. Cyclops. He is named after a horrendous creature in Greek Mythology which was known for eating people. I'm sorry, but cannibalism and fear is NOT the PG Hero's way! Nor is Greek Mythology... We're Christians, our heroes will not associate themselves with the monsters of the gods. PLUS he doesn't technically have ONE eye, he has two eyes, now he's just a liar. What kind of example would this leader be setting with false truths?? No, no... He needs a name which can easily be related to his super-powers... EYE-BOOGIES. Because he shoots green goop from his eyes. And hey, kids love things that are gross! Eye Boogies are the perfect substitute! Oh! And think of the marketing we can start with this, candy that resembles their favorite PG-MAN!

But we probably won't go the marketing route, money is the root of all evil, and PG-Men FIGHT evil, they don't endorse it.

Now eat your JELL-O!
~ Mark