Saturday, July 2, 2011


Who doesn't love the French! Well, besides America I'd have to say villains world-wide... Which is why even the slippery frogs of the Cajun swamps need a protector... And that protector is the poker-faced sweet-talker known as Gambit.

Now you might ask, "Hey, what's not kid-friendly about Gambit? He's so dag-gone charming!"... Well to this I say, what IS appropriate about this card-wielding brawler?? Let's begin with his roots, shall we? Gambit was a thief, a crook, a liar... And if there's anything politics has taught me it's that you ARE what you WERE. Sure, we may forgive him in our hearts, but in our minds, we know exactly what kind of a man Gambit is. He's a deceiver! Why his name alone stands for a chess move early in the game in which the player sacrifices minor pieces in order to obtain an advantageous position! I.e. This is a man who will sacrifice the little people to get ahead! Which is why the FIRST thing we're going to do with this wretched little Frenchie is change that horrible name! Why associate him with deceit when you can associate him with trust? Children need to trust SOMEONE in the world, so rather than given them a symbol of lies, let's give them a symbol of affection... Gambit shall now be known as "HUG".

Speaking of hugs, there's enough aggression out there aimed at our European brothers of feminine love, so why make their champion a man who can truly embody the good nature of the French... They need a man who leads by action, not cheesy accents and card talk... You know what? Let's just eliminate words from the equation altogether and give the French a clean slate. Let's show off the French in a positive light, by making "HUG" a true symbol of France... He is now a MIME! Now, consider the compromise I've made here on your behalf, America... Gambit also had the unique ability to "charm" anyone he spoke to, he was trustworthy (all the better to betray you with, my dear)... Well now he doesn't need something as atheistic as "charm" or "luck", he can use mere gestures to make you think he's behind a glass wall, or busy pulling on some rope. Who's going to shoot at a man who is CLEARLY behind an invisible bullet-proof wall??

Oh, come now, I haven't forgotten Gambit's REAL power. He has the ability to fill any object with kinetic energy, making whatever he touches an explosive weapon of destruction... CLEARLY a PG-MAN is not prone to violence... Nor would he use such objects as "Playing Cards"... Playing cards are an analogy for all things sinful! Poker games, a game of lies, cigars, drinking and gambling. What kind of hero gives children the impression these things are acceptable?? So away with those playing cards! You get UNO. A game the WHOLE family can enjoy. They're colorful cards as well, so they're bound to tantalize our youth into paying attention to this wholesome individual. And to go along with the "mime" theme... He doesn't ACTUALLY charge them with energy, he just makes you THINK he's doing so. He's so dang clever, that HUG!

So let us all support our European defender of justice and truly... VIVE LA FRANCE!

Maercie boque!
~ Mark

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