Friday, July 1, 2011

PG-MEN - Eye-Boogies

One cannot completely re-imagine the world's most famous group of superheroes without first analyzing their leader... No, not Professor X. I mean the team leader, the one who rides with his troops into battle and sets a true example... The ever brown-nosing CYCLOPS.

Well, let me tell you, there are ALL kinds of issues going on with the leadership in this group. Let's begin, shall we? And I'm just going to jump into this issue without a parachute and without sugar-coating it... Why does the leader ALWAYS have to be white! And not like, "Oh, I'm Italian and my skin is olive but just light enough to get me the respect my dad says I deserve!", no, no, no, I mean white white. Anglo-Saxon, SPF 500, Elmer's Glue, pasty, Water Polo-playing white! Yeah, we have a multi-cultural lineup of heroes, everything from Thunderbird (dead, might I add) to Luke Cage (but really, does anyone read his comics? He's not even an X-Man), but none of them LEAD. Not one! So you know what? Cyclops is Black now. Racism is not kid-friendly.

And speaking of Cyclops, his powers are LETHAL. Lasers? The comics portray his eye-blast as being more like a punch to the face, which I'm sorry, is terribly inaccurate. If I shot you with a laser beam, you wouldn't get knocked back, you'd have a hole in your stomach. You'd catch a brief glimpse of your seared intestines dangling out of the cavity in your belly just before the lights go black and you die in a pile of your own ash. So I think it's safe to say lasers are CLEARLY out of the question. I mean, your kids are going to grow up in the future when lasers are more commonly used (along with flying cars and hover boards) and they're going to put their hands in it because, "Hey, Cyclops's EYES can handle laser beams, why not my fingers?", and them BAM! No more fingers! Then your kids have to go to special schools and they're going to THINK that's going to be awesome because the X-Men attend a "School for the Gifted" and they're going to hop on that short bus and find out all it is is a bunch of handicapped kids with no superpowers and they're going to be so upset and so depressed by it that they're ultimately just going to take a laser to their head and end it all!

So our modified, kid-friendly PG-MEN are going to have a leader who shoots the BEST THING IN THE WORLD out of his eyes... JELL-O! What, that's not enough to put fear into the enemy? Fine. It'll be LIME JELL-O. Blech. I'd go with lemon, but then we're getting into the PG-13 territory... Lemon flavored anything is nasty.

Now the only thing that's needing some improvement is the name. Cyclops. He is named after a horrendous creature in Greek Mythology which was known for eating people. I'm sorry, but cannibalism and fear is NOT the PG Hero's way! Nor is Greek Mythology... We're Christians, our heroes will not associate themselves with the monsters of the gods. PLUS he doesn't technically have ONE eye, he has two eyes, now he's just a liar. What kind of example would this leader be setting with false truths?? No, no... He needs a name which can easily be related to his super-powers... EYE-BOOGIES. Because he shoots green goop from his eyes. And hey, kids love things that are gross! Eye Boogies are the perfect substitute! Oh! And think of the marketing we can start with this, candy that resembles their favorite PG-MAN!

But we probably won't go the marketing route, money is the root of all evil, and PG-Men FIGHT evil, they don't endorse it.

Now eat your JELL-O!
~ Mark

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