Monday, July 4, 2011

PG-MEN - Evening-Stroller

Ay Dios Mio! Where do I begin with this abomination... Talk about a difficult task. I attempt to make the comic book world a better place for the innocent children of the world and I am forced to clean up the act of a teleporting demon named Nightcrawler!

Very well... Let us begin with the obvious. His appearance. Sadly one cannot change the physical appearance of another and maintain a non-bigotry example while exclaiming "it offends me!" through the streets... However I can't exactly allow a blue demon to parade around the pages of a children's comic book saving the day and inspiring love for such a creature... Sure, the comics portray Nightcrawler as a man of Christian faith, but in my eyes all I see is hypocrisy and deception! So let's just avoid the controversy and put a paper bag over his head, shall we? And just for promotion's sake, we'll commission Shaw's to provide the bag! Free advertising! Now he's helping the community AND covering up his demonic nature. Though there is that tail of his... vile hell-spawn appendage that it is, I'm sure it's a useful commodity for fighting crime... Let's just chop the end of it off so he looks more like a blue monkey with a bag on his head. Now he shouldn't be so scary.

I'm also iffy about that mutant power of his... Teleportation. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't traveling through the deepest pits of Hell to get to his final destination... But that's what he does and that's how he does it... So he doesn't get to teleport anymore. But fear not! He can still get to where he needs to go in the quickest of fashions... Via cab! That's right, our little blue friend now has the ability to hail a cab no matter where he is! Free of charge and always available! ... And we all know that cab driver will get you where you need to go quickly... No matter how many pedestrians he has to mow over (but we won't show that part for PG purposes). Plus I imagine he can always just tell his cab driver "To the villain's secret lair!" and that'll save time on all the detective work, am I right? Yeah. I'm pretty right.

Last but not least is that terrifying name of his. Nightcrawler. The mere mention of it makes me feel like I'm being molested by a centipede while sleep. Truth is, that name never really made much sense for a teleporting demon in the first place. He's not really crawling anywhere, he's teleporting! I figure the least we can do is tone down the intensity of the falsehood to this much more pleasant sounding name... Evening-Stroller! Beware, criminals, he's going to stroll right up and ruin your evening!

Eh, I work with what I've got,
~ Mark

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