Wednesday, July 6, 2011

PG-MEN - Harlot

If there's anything more inappropriate than an X-Man, it's an X-Woman! Skimpy outfits, supermodel figures, sexual independence... And did I mention those dang skimpy outfits?? If I could think of one specific X-Woman that exists as the living embodiment of LUST and CONSEQUENCE, it's the infamous Rogue!

There's nothing terribly wrong with her mutant power... As a matter of fact, I'm going to allow this particular hero to keep her power come re-imagination time. What is truly deviant about this character is the way she flaunts that untouchable body of hers for all the young boys (and adult boys) to ogle after! Her mutant power is the ability to drain the life-force of anybody she comes into skin-on-skin contact with... Which I must say, is a devastating display of superpower. So what does she do? Naturally she wears skin tight outfits and CLEARLY spends hours in the morning making herself a knockout amongst other whorishly dressed women!

Now you tell me... If you had the ability to drain people's life simply by touching them, would you allow yourself to be the object of all living things' desire? An entire world full of people just ACHING to touch you only to come to a drastic realization that you're about to die because you couldn't control your urges... And she allows this to happen! Clearly she is not taking the proper precautions to prevent such a horrible tragedy... And for that, we must create a child-friendly PG-Man... er, woman.

For starters, I would compare this character to a "street walker"... Unclean and uncaring for the health and safety of others... She's like the "(name I shall not use) of Babylon", yet we hail her has a hero! Well that comes to a stop this day! No more skimpy outfits, no more tights... Heck, normal cloths aren't even enough to hold the tides of raging hormones and pre-pubescent lusts back. No, she clearly needs to go through some major extremes to keep this bio-hazard contained... Which is why we're decking her out in the finest of winter clothing. Snow-pants, scarves, heavier gloves, earmuffs... No sir, there will not be ONE inch of skin showing, nor will there be any chance of her well-carved body figure being portrayed in silhouettes. Sunglasses shall also be applied to keep her eyes (the gateway to the soul, which is clearly corrupted) to prevent those baby blues from teasing another man.

What's that? She's still too sexy? Well fine. It's time for extreme measures! If that puffy outfit isn't going to be enough, than we're just going to flat out put a sign on her... "FILTHY". Oh yeah, nobody's going near her now. Nobody decent at least... Which is who the PG-Men cater to... The pure of heart! "But Mark, why would any villain go near her now and be defeated?"... Well that's a good question. My answer to this is simple... What villain DOESN'T run from the good guy? Huh?

Now as for that name. ROGUE. The dictionary defines it as such: An unprincipled, deceitful, and unreliable person; a scoundrel or rascal. Oh, that sums her up alright... Deceitful temptress that she is. But then, most people associate the name Rogue with something cool, akin to a renegade or a loner. I, however, refuse to allow a generation of children to grow up overlooking obvious seduction because a name sounded cool... She will be named exactly what she is... HARLOT. Now we all know what we're getting! The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem... I think our new hero is the perfect example of facing your imperfections and bettering one's self.

Let the cleansing begin!
~ Mark

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