Video Game Tribute #10: Mario

I suppose it was almost inevitable... when you're doing video game tribute, it'd practically be a sin to not include video gaming's most recognizable face... Mario. Or his more underplayed birth name: Mario Mario... someone in that lineage must have been pretty awesome to have named the same kid after him twice... either that or Little Caesar fathered the Mario Brothers...

I had hoped to avoid a lot of the more well known video game franchises, but seeing as I've already done Metroid, I guess it couldn't hurt to be a little generic and write about Mario. But really, what can one write about one of the most successful franchises in the world? If I'm correct, nobody reading this really needs an explanation of what the game is or how it's played... but just for kicks... You control a little fat Italian Plumber (and his brother) and the goal is to jump on killer fungi and turtles in an attempt to save a princess and a bunch of little midgets (who wear giant mushrooms on their heads) from an evil dragon/turtle hybrid who lives in a castle full of lava.

...

What, that doesn't make sense? Well, guess what... Nothing about these games makes sense! We're talking about a series of video games based on 2 Brooklyn Plumbers who shrink, grow, throw fire and kill turtles... and the occasional gorilla. Over the years these games have evolved and expanded upon the magical land of the "Mushroom Kingdom"... but it's still a drug trip and a half...

Trippy as it is, this game practically defined the side-scrolling genre for years to come... But there's a few oddities to it nonetheless...

First of all, most of the enemies in this game don't "attack" as much as they just... touch you. Why does that hurt Mario?? Maybe it'd make a little sense with a more detailed back story... like, all the villains in Mushroom Kingdom wear wool socks and you might get shocked if they touch you. Or everybody has Leprosy... so step on their heads. Maybe even the less popular, "Mario in the Land of Sexual Harassment"... where everyone wants to touch you inappropriately! That would actually make sense; Mario feels belittled and small by the unwanted advancements of the Mushroom people... so he metaphorically shrinks. Mario... you're just not using all your assets.

I don't know, it just seems to me like there's a huge emphasis on touching things in this game. Mario never really EATS the super mushrooms as much as he just TAPS them with his hands... You touch a flower, you throw fire balls. You touch a leaf, you grow a tail... The last time I touched a leaf it was Poison Ivy...

That reminds me, why does Mario have to play dress-up every time he goes on an adventure? Capes, Frog Suits, Rabbit Ears, Penguin suits... the only one that's made sense up to now has been the Hammer Bro's suit... because he threw a hammer for a change instead of trying to jump on everything's head! Maybe we've got the wrong idea with our war on terror... let's just dress up like raccoons and whack the Al Quaeda with our tails... Mario's been doing it for years and it seems to work.

Secondly, when Mario dies, where the heck is he falling? Is he going to hell? I mean, he falls right through the ground! And what makes it even weirder is that he looks at YOU when it happens... like it's your fault! Which... it kind of is...

Lastly, I'm fairly convinced that the people of Mushroom Kingdom suffer from a slight retardation... It's been over 20 years now and these people STILL can't keep the Princess from being kidnapped by Bowser! Seriously, every couple years the exact same thing happens: Bowser rolls up to the Castle in his flying boat, grabs the Princess with almost NO resistance, then flies away to the same stinking castle he's been taking her to since 1985... All I'm saying is, build a watch tower! If you see a flying boat, hide the Princess! Cause' you already know that's who Bowser's coming for... Or even better, build a cannon. When you see the Bowser's ship, shoot it with the cannon!

On a side note, next time you defeat Bowser, don't leave him passed out on the floor. Why? Because he is going to wake up... and guess who he's coming for once he comes to? Imagine how easy life would be for Mario and his neglected brother if they simply killed the Koopa King. Yeah, it'd be pretty darn easy. Too barbaric? Fine. Throw his turtle butt in prison! These people DO live in a castle right? There's bound to be a dungeon somewhere...

Speaking of the Princess, I've got two words: NEEDY. GIRLFRIEND. I'm just sayin'. At least ten of Mario's adventures have involved saving that woman. Mario, nobody will hold it against you if you take a very convenient "vacation" when you see that stupid pirate ship coming...

Exactly which castle was the Princess in anyway?
~ Mark