See, my parents were of the more conservative nature. While my brother and I saw superpowers, action and make-believe, most parents at the time saw sacrilege, violence and overall filth. Even the name, "X" Men sounded a little wrong. I remember the first time my brother brought home a pack of cards, my mom caught a glimpse of it and was like, "X-Men? What is that?"... So she proceeded to look at the cards my brother had purchased and, naturally, there happened to be a character named "Lucifer"... You can only imagine the reaction which occurs in a Christian household when a child brings home a picture of Lucifer. What my mom didn't know was that "Lucifer" was the name of an alien in the comics... Not the prince of darkness as one would assume. But then, what parent read comics?
For a long while X-Men were banned in our house and to this day my mom is always suspicious of Mutant protectors of America. In my eyes, the fact that a villain was named Lucifer was a good thing, cause nobody wants the bad guy to win... It all equaled Christianity to me! Not a convincing argument. Now that I'm older, I doubt I'd go very easy on my (hypothetical) kids if one of them brought home a picture of the devil... Though being a child of comics, I'd probably read about the character first before deciding whether or not to burn my child's playing cards... I don't think my mom burned the card, I'm fairly certain it's still in the attic.
On a side note, my mom may very well be an X-Man herself... She has the uncanny mutant ability to turn whatever it is we're watching/listening to/reading into something horrific and foul just as she enters the room. I'm serious. You could be watching Barney and the second my mom walks in, Barney will rape a child and curse the church, thus resulting in your immediate punishment for watching something so horrible. There was no winning growing up. Did you ever think, growing up, that by muting the television when your parents walk in the room that you'll avoid any and all suspicion on their part that you're watching something you shouldn't be watching? Yeah, I think it's actually safer to just let it happen... no need to add deceit to your list of broken rules.
I'm seriously portraying a twisted version of my parents for the purposes of this blog. They weren't that strict, but X-Men was a problem. And it all stems back to that freaking Lucifer trading card. Oy.
In any case. I got to thinking, maybe it's time the X-Men had a simple re-visioning for the purposing of children programming. I think what the young world needs is a new breed of worthless heroes... We need... The PG-MEN!! Because "X" is just a little too pornographic for my taste. And nobody likes letters that remind them of algebra.
Everybody's favorite X-Man, possibly favorite hero, ever. Which is ironic. How come the hero that cuts people with giant blades in his hands is a childhood favorite? Why does Marvel keep attempting to put this character in every cartoon and PG-13 movie they come out with? Blades cut. Cuts bleed. Blood is a BIG problem for Television producers AND movie producers. If you're going to make a film or cartoon about Wolverine, you have to accept the fact that there is going to be some serious violence involved... Typically they cop-out and have Wolverine fight the Sentinels, or have him try to slice somebody and miss or hit armor, or use his claws to stab a garage door opener to keep bad guys out of a room... It's pathetic.
My vote for the re-visioned Wolverine is the following: No more blades... Now he has pipe-cleaners in his hands! His whole skeleton has been infused with... Wire... And fluffy stuff. He can get tangled up in high places and he can scratch you just enough to annoy you... As a diversion while the other heroes call the police and wait for the negotiators to arrive to allow a peaceful outcome! And he cleans a mean pipe! He's so handy!
Oh, and as for that pointy mask of his, someone could poke their eye out on that, let's (as my parents have told me many times in the past) put a cork in it! There! Now those won't hurt anybody! ... And while we're at it, let's just change his name. The Wolverine is a very aggressive animal, children might get the impression that they can count on a wolverine for help or pick one up and hug it only to have their faces chewed of in the most unpleasant of fashions. Let's name our hero... PUPPY! Yeah, now that's something we can market. Who doesn't love puppies?? I'll tell you who doesn't love puppies... Satanists. You want your kids worshiping the father of lies? Yeah, I didn't think so... Buy them a PUPPY action figure and go to church!
Berserker Rage! ... er... Cuddly Aggression!
~ Mark
